This autumn has mainly been about survival. I've had two bugs, the second which is on its eigth week. We were obviously tired after the Great Move and the Wedding, so maybe we were more likely to succumb to the local strains of viruses - we both got them to varying degrees. This is on top of other health concerns. I was making progress with the singing when the throat flu hit and I had to give it all up. I also expected this place to be more sociable but loneliness struck quite soon and the lack of energy made it even more difficult to break. In the end we both managed to do some networking and meet people even if it's on a shallow level. At least it helps to dispel some of the sense of alienation. Most of my time has been dedicated to sorting out my new relationship with the national health service, a task of some overwhelming magnitude. Countless of appointments later I'm still not a lot wiser and don't feel that my attempts to talk about the insomnia has ensued in much else than moral lectures about the evils of drugs. It's clear to me that no one has a clue as to what it means to have chronic insomnia. The view seems to be that "insomnia doesn't kill so therefore there is no real need to medicate". I am not saying health officials in Finland are necessarily any better in a general sense, but this kind of view feels quite rigid and conventional to say the least, and it's not even true - as far as I know sleep deprivation can kill (read more on the subject:). It's the sort of comment you expected to get twenty years ago regarding fibromyalgia. Do I need to say it's utterly unhelpful.
Once the guests were gone we just couldn't afford putting a lot of time and effort into fixing the house and so apart from the livingroom which is not too bad, it's not all that cosy here. The sight of the dirty throw-up patterned carpets that cover all the floors is not great to wake up to every day! It's hard for me, as I need to feel rooted in my home. We desperately need to make money but everything is at a standstill and we're suffering the consequences of living beyond our means due to the big transitions.
I did feel that I entered some flow in a more spiritual sense when I went to Finland to give a lecture on the symbolism of my art, as well as a workshop on the making of mandalas. Though it felt difficult to re-enter the sphere of more intellectual thought after years of concerns of a more practical nature, it did start to feel like a real need. I felt as though the universe was maybe conspiring to encourage me to take all this up again. Despite being quite ill on the day, I felt that the seminar went fairly well and that this was something to develop. The only really annoying thing was that I am still waiting to get my travelling expenses paid by the organization that invited me. I am not a charity organization and shouldn't have to wait! This means I will not be able to do similar seminars in the future and wonder when we'll be able to afford going back at our own expense. I also feel disconnected from Finland in other ways, mainly through other people. I'm not sure what this means. Suddenly the flow got disrupted and things are not making much sense.
It was interesting at the time to reconnect with the homeland. I have to say that returning to my new home wasn't quite so easy after that, as it just struck me as quite strange. Throughout my time here, feeling a connection with the place and the land has been overwhelmingly difficult. I might find myself out on a beautiful hillside and be struck by a sense of panic; I don't belong! And I can't escape if I wanted to! We would visit the coast and it would all feel too vast and desolate in a scary sort of way. This was a bit surprising but I guess the smaller scale of the Baltic appears intimate and homey and the wintery desolation over there has an arctic feel to it that brings a sense of comfort because it's familiar.
On the other hand, my new hometown feels quite small and almost a bit claustrophobic compared to what I'm used to. I expect it takes time to adjust. Also, as we are covered in snow at the moment, there is no way of going anywhere as Britain is not geared up for this kind of weather. This is a bit limiting. If we had money we'd definitely get snow tyres!
It was interesting at the time to reconnect with the homeland. I have to say that returning to my new home wasn't quite so easy after that, as it just struck me as quite strange. Throughout my time here, feeling a connection with the place and the land has been overwhelmingly difficult. I might find myself out on a beautiful hillside and be struck by a sense of panic; I don't belong! And I can't escape if I wanted to! We would visit the coast and it would all feel too vast and desolate in a scary sort of way. This was a bit surprising but I guess the smaller scale of the Baltic appears intimate and homey and the wintery desolation over there has an arctic feel to it that brings a sense of comfort because it's familiar.
On returning, I continued to try and sink into the beingness in this particular place, and I did begin to feel much better. Bits here and there did after all feel quite familiar because I've always had a soft spot for Britain and assume that I have lived there in a rather happy past life. These positive things are gradually becoming more conscious as I'm feeling less overwhelmed by the great changes that the move has entailed. I shall have to continue working on relaxation and a better sleep schedule in order to try and improve the sleep at least a little bit. It's hard, as so many things are worrying and stressful. I'm very run down and feel resistance to making efforts. While I don't have trouble pacing myself, it's not so easy to decide where to start on the list of things to accomplish. When the tasks have some spiritual contents, things get easier as they seem to provide a certain deeper sense of accomplishment that nourishes the soul and my sense of purpose. The rest is more mundane, and therefore not quite so satisfying on a deeper level. Ideally, it would all tie in as a whole, but I haven't figured out how to get there yet. The concerns of the body and plain survival in the world tend to muffle the connection with soul and spirit.
Artwork: digital photographs of the Finnish winter, copyright V-M C 2010
Source: http://vivi-mari.blogspot.com/2010/11/challenge-of-relocation.html
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