Post Wedding Stress Syndrome - the Sweetness and the Bitterness

Vivi-Mari & Martin

Disclaimer: the title is made up and has no base in medical research.

So, I am now a wife and Mrs! Did I ever think that day would come - no! I look at my rings in amazement.

Married!

Leaving the beaches I had come to love since Martin came to live with me was bittersweet, and I still miss them. They meant less to me while I was alone; sharing gave them a new lustre altogether and it was great to get away from everything and breathe sea air when needed, just a short walk away. It was a cold and in this respect an unusually magnificient winter. The summer on the other hand was very warm, and we tried to go out on the cliffs as much as possible despite the arduous task of emptying the house. People in Wales figure I must be used to the cold... I laugh. Finnish houses are double or triple glazed and the summers are usually quite predictable and often warm. How I will survive in the cold old house in Wales is a mystery, but I knew what I signed up for...

The melancholy of the ice breaking in spring, Hanko

Just before the move, in Hanko

Enjoying the Baltic Sea

We packed like crazy, as we are both diligent and wanted to make sure my things wouldn't get damaged in transit - we also wanted order so that packing the things up in a three storey house would be relatively painfree. We brought most things I own, as in the end replacing stuff is seldom an option when you're not well-to-do. It took a lot of effort to get a reasonably priced lorry and quotes, and to figure out a schedule for everything. We had to bring my three cats and the process was complicated beyond belief... in the end all went well and though we couldn't afford going on the same VIP flight as them the timing with another cheaper air company was perfect. It was the strangest thing to finally see them at the other end, after all the paperwork and worrying that they would be okay and let into a country with such strict rules! During all this, we also planned our wedding which was to take place three weeks after our arrival in the UK. I don't know... maybe a date in late September would have been better... but then we didn't know we'd be delayed and the venue we had chosen did not have other weekends open in the summer.

We went to the neighbouring town once a week to try on the dress I had made by seamstresses as well as the engagement ring that we eventually decided to design ourselves since we couldn't find a suitable existing one. The processes with these items was excruciating, as I was not quite confident that it would all come out alright in the end. It's not like we had designed dresses and rings before! In retrospect, things went quite smoothly nonetheless and the results were both good and well priced. Martin's Victorian style suit arrived on time and fit him perfectly.

Green velvet dress in natural materials only, made in collaboration with Anita and Mikaela in Ekenäs, made thanks to my dad's kind contribution. The process was tough but we ended up with something that did not feel tight anywhere and that hid my flaws.

The Welsh bride

When we finally arrived in Wales we were too busy trying to get the house into some kind of shape before our guests started arriving. All throughout the summer I went through a lot of painful processes regarding other people. On the one hand we had to decide who to invite and how to put guests up in the house. On the other, some people didn't let us know whether they were coming or not, and I was hurt by the nonchalance. In the end, some people promised to come but either told us at the last minute they couldn't afford it, didn't arrive at all without explanation, or just screwed things up. I was left with less guests than anticipated but despite my frustration I was by that time so exhausted I was glad the house wasn't as full as I had optimistically envisaged it. Those who did come were very helpful and cheerful and the ambience was good. My mother was happy here as well. Thanks to a select few to whom it occurred to help us we managed to get everything ready on time. Why someone like me who has limited energetic resources had to create a custom made wedding may seem silly... yet we both had a vision and were determined to make it come true. We were also on a budget and yes, we did stretch our limits both financially and energetically.

Ambience

The Venue by night - a renovated chapel on a farm (photo courtesy of Adrian Roberts)

In the end, what Martin and I were in charge of turned out really well, but many things left for others to take care of because we simply did not have the time and energy, were disappointing. The taxi driver whose minibus we had booked for the day to take people to the venue had decided to give up his company without telling us about it. Luckily we found out - but then he did the job alongside with other jobs and many people had to wait for a long time in the rain or had to give up altogether because the taxi didn't appear within a reasonable amount of time. A local journalist was one of those who never made it. My dad who is 78 had to sit with his bad hips on wet ground until one of the guests took him and his party back to their hotel. The caterers that we had to go for due to lack of inoffical options  (DM Klassic Catering: http://www.dinewithmichelle.co.uk/) had promised a fabulous buffet but it turned out that all the wishes I had stated in a letter to them and discussed in person at the venue beforehand were ignored. They cost more than normal caterers and so we expected higher quality ingredients. I told them what a Scandinavian buffet/smorgasbord is like but they did not lay all the foods out at once as I asked them to. I had particularly looked forward to the trifle and the chocolate cake but the former was appalling and nothing like what I had asked for, and the former was served long after most people had left. We had these in lieu of a wedding cake. We had asked for a selection of Welsh cheeses but these were not brough in until all the foreigners had already left and then the caterers had the nerve to send us a substantial bill due to some imaginary "late addition". They also judged the space poorly and so a lot of my shabby chic decoration that I had spent months collecting in junkshops disappeared when they laid out their food. Trestle tables they had asked for were left leaning on the walls of the renovated chapel where the party was taking place... I felt very frustrated with my condition because I had not been able to make sure that everything was alright before the party started - I needed my rest.

Some of my decorations before it all had to be arranged

Trying to quickly rectify the badly arranged fruitbowls!

Question is, how do you stop ruminating over the negatives? As someone said, it's not uncommon to feel so overwhelmed after such enormous and very personal efforts and to feel disappointed that everything wasn't as perfect as one would have hoped, though many things (such as the music) were better than expected. In my case, the efforts I have made and the physical transition to another country were humangous! The truth is, the party was a great success and most people did not suffer too much from the shortcomings or didn't know about them. It just went by so quickly and before I knew it I was rushed to the stupid taxi that wasn't going to be flexible as expected. We went to a "sort of posh" hotel but learnt the following day that we had been given the wrong information about check-in time and could have stayed at our own party much longer. I was tossing and turning in bed, whishing we had made other arrangments altogether. Had we decided to stay and party much longer, others would have stayed too. Now it seemed that we made such incredible preparations for a fairly short party. But you only get one go at something like this. And you have to live with the choices you had to make months before. You don't normally get a second chance either! This is one of the hard facts of life, maybe a lesson.

Darn rain!

We didn't even have time to write our vows so we improvised
(photo courtesy of Adrian Roberts)

And yes, although I had tried to make sure I didn't have any physical ailments on the Friday and Saturday of our wedding, I did come down with a headache from all the stress and Martin had tachycardia... it rained heavily and it was difficult to get my aging ex-photographer Mom to take decent pictures of us! But in the end, I guess we do have a good collection as a couple of friends also helped out in this respect.

Married!
The Townhall was beautiful and the ceremony was nicely conducted. It really felt like "this is it".
We played "What a Wonderful Li(f)e" by The Real Tuesday Weld on entering.

Now everyone in Swedish speaking Finland knows...

When we went back to pack up I cried floods of tears because it was all over. Martin looked perplexed. I said, I know I have complained but the truth is it was something so beautiful yet so ephemereal, and I couldn't bear it! Why must the good things in my life always be so very transitory?! There was yet another thing for me to process. I am way too scared of losing the good things... and way too incapable of enjoying them while they last.

After the party the clearing up

After the months of pressure and the two fleeting days of celebration, I certainly had a bad bout of postwedding blues. It dissipated over the course of the following week but it doesn't mean there isn't much to process still. When I had to deal with yet another person's complications I got extremely enraged. Martin thought all sorts of things about me that were anything but positive until I started screaming at the top of my voice for 15 minutes. I can't take anymore!! He held me and comforted me with wise words of understanding and accepting that I had so much disappoinment with people building up over the past few years and it all came crashing down on me. As we all know, expectations are harmful but how do you stop having them? To date I haven't seen any convincing evidence that this is entirely possible without taking very radical measures.

Just the two of us...

I even had fantasies about Martin's evil ex, who stalked me online last winter and seemed unable to let go, having put a curse on us to make the wedding days as rainy and arduous as possible. He wants me not to become bitter and cynical, and this is probably one of my spiritual challenges today. What do you do when people are so unreliable, you think the best of them or at least give them the benefit of doubt, and you even entrust them with things that are important to you - and so many let you down. Some because they don't understand better, but many because all they want is to extract money from you (the people who did help us, who did my dress and my ring as well as the people who own the farm of our venue are however not a case in point, and this must be kept in mind). Martin says he has been through a  similar process and dealt with the fact that you simply have to accept the way people are rather than close off altogether. Obviously, we are all different and for some, like me, this is a hard chunk to swallow and it comes late in life. I do not know why it all hurts so much and how I can somehow gather myself and be less emotionally affected by other people's actions and behaviour. Things you cannot change are things you must accept, it's as simple as that. I also feel guilty, of course, because maybe it's just me and there's a sordid reason why I have attracted certain people of low character...

The wedding especially has shown what people are made of, and not all of it is pretty or the way I would expect it to be. I do also realize that I mirror myself in that I have little tolerance with complicated people like myself, as dealing with myself is quite enough. I am not as tolerant as I'd like to be, and quite harsh in some ways. I'm fed up with ignorance or idealism. I actively seek that which seems somehow "normal" so that I can find my balance and my place in this new life situation. I need to find myself again, fine balance and sleep better, and redefine who I think I am as my self has changed. Only then can I possibly find a new way of relating to people. I hope, at least.

Some of the lovely gifts given by old and loyal friends of mine -

the samovar is ours but we received the gorgeous tea glasses.

After the wedding I felt empty because first there was so much hard work and preparation and then there was "nothing". We had quickly bought a car, I quickly learned to drive in left-hand traffic with a British car on tiny and winding country roads, and we showed guests around - then they were all gone and the house was quiet. Well, there is that so-called real life when you have to start dealing with fixing up and renovating a house, adapting, making money so you'll survive, and trying to get money-hungry companies off your back (nasty surprises that took me right back to my former life...) - while one would expect to feel happy, in reality it's all quite daunting. But I also felt a sort of spiritual emptiness though. We talked about our beliefsystems as we walked along the beaches in Finland, and we also made plans for collaboration on a creative level. I'm glad we did because then came the circus and spirituality was at the bottom of the list of priorities. After the rumba, I felt nothing for any spiritual issues and that despite the fact that I've moved to a place where many spiritually minded people live and from what I can see, in general it's not very different from the way Martin and I look at things. But then I thought... spiritual emptiness is often a good thing, it means there is room for something new. What this will look like only the future can tell. First we have to make our life work for us on the mundane level.

That was it... now real life begins with the process of acklimatization and the unfortunate debts.

All photos are copyrighted!

Source: http://vivi-mari.blogspot.com/2010/09/post-wedding-stress-syndrome-sweetness.html

good attitude good karma